Temporary Loneliness

I haven’t quite felt myself lately. I am completely content with being alone, but yet, there are times I am hit with this wave of overwhelming loneliness…a sadness of sorts. I know I am a strong and independent woman. I know I can handle life alone. I know I can rely on myself 100% of the time, but none of this goes to say that I don’t want to share my life with someone else. I’ve been struggling to pinpoint why I am feeling so off these days. Could it be the global pandemic we are living in? The amount of uncertainty these days is a bit disconcerting. Maybe, it’s the thought of attempting to date again. Forget about trying to find someone to love, is it even SAFE to date? There’s been a lot of loneliness/sadness/confusion set on my heart about what the future looks like.

Something that’s been heavy on my heart lately is an aching to be a mother. I see my friends sharing memories and moments of their children, and I am envious. The look in their eyes when they are holding their child is an indescribable look. I know motherhood isn’t a walk in the park. I’ve watched my friends, my friend’s mothers and even my own mother struggle, but I’ve also watched all of them rise up from their struggles. I see the pain AND the joy that these beautiful and strong women go through with their children, and it’s something I want to experience so desperately. I think of becoming a mother to my own child(ren) someday, and I am overwhelmed with emotions. Will I even be a good mother? Will God provide me with a good man to care for our children together? What if my child hates me? Will I even be able to have children? It could be the quarantine brain or the fact I’ve had a lot of time to think these days, but I have never felt such a strong desire to be a mother before now.

I’ll be the first to selfishly admit that it can be hard to watch the ones you love accomplishing the things you want in life. I’ve been trying so hard to focus on myself and not let other’s accomplishments hinder my personal growth. Besides, everyone’s path is their own…but that doesn’t make it any easier to watch. It feels like everyday there is someone new getting engaged or having a baby. I’d be lying if I said I don’t get a little ping of jealousy each time I see these posts show up on my social media. I know I can’t compare my life to those around me, but truthfully and deep down, I am sad. That’s not to say that I am not incredibly proud of the woman I continue to grow into each day. But, y’all it is HARD to shake this loneliness.

I think the hardest part about this sadness is the constant pressure I put on myself to be happy all the time. I am usually the one telling my friends or others around me that it’s ok to not be ok, but I don’t seem to take my own advice. I’ll be honest when I say that I can put on this persona to the outside world, but as soon as I come home, the walls come down. I have to remind myself that whatever I am feeling right now is ok. I am not alone in feeling this desire to be a mother. I am not alone in this feeling of sadness. I know God has a plan for me. I know in my heart that I am on the right path for ME. I know I am where I am supposed to be right at this moment. I know I have grown so much and learned so much about life and myself. I know His timing is perfect and I need to trust that. This sadness and lostness I am feeling right now is only temporary. I am trying not to let it overtake all the progress I’ve made on myself. My story isn’t over and in fact, I believe it’s only beginning.