Embrace the Process

Everyday, I am healing.

Each day, I am learning and growing into a strong and resilient woman. I wouldn’t be the woman I am today without the failures I have made along the way. Each failure has been a lesson. Every struggle and every trial I have been through has only made me stronger.

The moment I graduated college, I jumped right into a relationship. I felt as if that’s what I was “supposed” to do, but that’s a conversation for another time. Little did I know, this relationship would be emotionally abusive. I left that relationship, gave myself a few months to regain my emotions and jumped right into another relationship. I became a completely different person. I stopped doing most of the things that really made me happy. For example, I barely touched my piano or sang a song the entire year and a half I was in that relationship. If you know me, even in the slightest bit, you know that’s not like me. I lost touch with a good amount of my talents and passions. I gave pieces of myself to each of those relationships while I took on their likes and their passions and their struggles that I couldn’t remember what was mine and what was theirs. After the relationships ended, I had spent the year after that trying to figure out who I was without a man. Over the course of the last two years, I had lost myself.

I never truly realized how codependent I was on those boys until I took a real step back and evaluated my self worth. Most of the last year, I used alcohol and self-harm as an escape and as my way of “healing”. I’d try to work on myself until the next time I was offered a drink and then, it was all down hill from there. It was an endless cycle. I’d feel as if I was finding myself again, and then, fall right back down the rabbit hole. How could I really be doing better if I continued to fall back into the same mindless patterns? There’s no way I could actually be gaining any sense of myself back if I kept failing.

To be completely honest, I haven’t truly felt my genuine self until now. I know I’ve said this time and time again, but let’s be real, I was lying to myself. I have spent the last few months regaining strength, physically and emotionally. I have have spent much needed time meeting my new self. I say “new self” because I’m not sure I ever had a real grasp of who Kaitlyn truly was. I have spent time listening to myself and learning about what I really love (and what I don’t love!). I’ve learned how to take care of myself in a way I’m not sure I would’ve been able to do a year ago. I’ve changed my eating habits, my skincare routine, my workout routine all focusing on ways to feel more fulfilled. I am learning to love every inch and curve of my body. I sing more. I laugh more. I make hard decisions with my best interests at heart…not someone else’s. I love myself and the personality God has given me more than I ever have previously. I have worked so very hard to build the person that sits here typing this post.

I did not reach the mindset I have now without failing many, many times. Healing is a process. It is not linear. It is not a fail or pass test. Healing is something in which we continually grow and learn. Why are we so focused on healing only being a one way train to perfection? While I struggle with the idea of healing being a linear concept, I know in my heart that it is ok to have bad days. When was it decided that if you make a mistake, you’re automatically back to square one? I have to continuously remind myself that just because I have fallen down one day does not mean that all the progress I have made on myself is gone the next day. We need to be kinder to ourselves. We work hard to build the up the persons that we become. Healing does not and will not stop. Embrace the process.