Focus on the Progress

Tell me what you see when you look at the pictures above. I’m assuming you see a girl with overly large legs, an extremely round face, and ankles that don’t even really look like ankles. No? You don’t see it? That’s what I see. Generally speaking, you probably see a girl posing in front of a mirror at the gym flexing her muscles. I wish that’s what I saw, but all I can seem to focus on are all the flaws….or what I consider flaws. Before I started one my workouts earlier this week, I made the mistake of stepping on the scale. I didn’t love the number I saw, so I proceeded back to my yoga mat in the corner of the gym, sat down and cried for a good five minutes. So many thoughts started to flood my head…“I shouldn’t have eaten that entire 6 cut pizza for lunch or had that cup of coffee full of sugar for breakfast” and “I should probably work extra hard on this workout now”. Go ahead and laugh at how absurd I sound, I get it. I let that number take over my brain as if that number had any sort of significance in my life. I wasn’t focusing on the progress I’ve made. Instead, I was wallowing in what I hadn’t accomplished yet.

I’ve never really struggled with my weight until recently. I was a competitive swimmer in high school, so I thought I could eat whatever I wanted and then work it off the next day at practice. Seemed to work for me and my body. I did the same thing in college, but added alcohol. My weight fluctuated, but it was still manageable and desirable for me. I graduated college, moved home, dated an emotionally abusive guy, worked an extremely stressful job and didn’t eat correctly, so my weight dropped insanely low. I figured my life out a little after leaving said guy, started dating a better man, bounced around a few semi-ok jobs and suddenly, all was right in the world. I didn’t think twice about my weight. Now, I’m at a job that I love, not in a relationship and starting to learn how to cook for myself. All of this being said, my weight is currently at a number that I don’t feel comfortable with. I feel as soon as I hit 24, my metabolism decided to say, “Hey, yeah I’m done working so hard for you since you don’t work hard for me.” Yikes. I’ve tried numerous different workout programs, none of which really suited me. I hear it all the time that “You don’t need to lose weight, Kait” or “You are so beautiful, why are you so concerned?”. Honestly, I don’t feel comfortable in my own body. I realize what you see may be beauty, but I don’t. I want so badly to love myself and feel comfortable in my own skin. I know the number on the scale is irrelevant, but that doesn’t stop me from feeling the way I do. I know all of this is going to make some people angry, and I’m so sorry. That’s not my intentions at all, but we all have our insecurities.

Loving yourself is hard. I don’t care what anyone says, it is not easy to stop negative thoughts about yourself and instantly fall in love with all you have to offer, inside and out. Here’s what I’ve never understood: how is it so easy for us to love someone else, but when it comes to ourselves it’s like we’ve been asked to sell our soul to the devil? Why do we long for the things we aren’t when we could be loving all the things we are? Why is it so hard to focus on ourselves? I can guarantee if you asked even the most self-confident person you know, they still have some insecurity they do not enjoy about themselves. It’s human nature. I’ve been trying so hard lately to focus on purely me because I know I give my love away to others so freely. Personally, it’s so easy for me to care and give to others than to care and give to myself.

For years, I thought I’ve had it figured out. I thought as long as I’m kind and loving towards others that’s all that matters. I’m slowly realizing that is not the case. My love bank is going to run dry pretty soon if I don’t buckle down and start sharing with myself. I also need to realize that it is ok to have a cookie or a chocolate bar or eat a whole pizza every once in awhile. Girl, you are WAY too hard on yourself. Let’s revisit those above pictures. What do I see? I see a girl who is trying so hard to be kinder to herself. I see a girl who has progressed in gaining muscles and becoming physically (and mentally!) stronger and THAT is what is adding to the scale. I see a girl that fails and falls down, but ALWAYS gets back up and always keeps fighting. I need to stop focusing on all the things I don’t like about myself and start focusing on how far I’ve come. I am working harder than I’ve ever worked to be a person I can love. I want to look as though sunshine is constantly shining off of my face. I want to be asked, “How do you do it? How are you so damn happy?” and be able to answer, “I’m focusing on genuinely loving me”.