I'll Find "Home" Soon
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag? Just kidding, that is not where I am going with this. Do you ever feel like you’re surrounded by people that have found their niche? It feels as if everyone has found their person or their people, and you are just living in their world. It seems as if everyone has life figured out while you’re on the sidelines watching, trying to fit in while figuring out what you even want out of this life. Suddenly, you feel your home is no longer a home, and this is no longer where you fit.
The past nine months have really taught me a lot about myself and about life. I lost a relationship that I thought was going to be my future. I was demoted from my full time managerial position to a part time coordinator position. The girl who I consider my person in life moved nine hours away, for good personal reasons, but it doesn’t make it any easier. I’ve never felt so lonely before. It’s not the kind of loneliness where I’m home alone on a Friday night with no plans. No, this is the kind of loneliness where I don’t feel like I belong anymore. I can sit in a room full of the people I love and that love me and feel so terribly lonely. The kind of loneliness that tells you that you aren’t good enough for your friends, your family, your employers. The kind of loneliness that makes you question what you’re even doing here while you watch your friends progress through life. Everyone has found their persons, their groups, their niches. Every corner I turn feels tainted, and I no longer feel this is home.
It’s hard to put into words this feeling of loneliness. I was told by a friend that it seems like I’ve been doing a lot better lately. She’s right, I have been truly working on myself and figuring out where I fit in this world. That doesn’t make the process any less lonely. I know I have people in my corner, but it’s hard to tell them how I’m feeling when they all have their persons. Truthfully, I’m not happy, but I’m not sad. Most days, I’d say I’m content. On my off days, I’m confused and lost. I feel like I’m doing this life alone. I know that’s not true, but I don’t feel like I fit here anymore. This is no longer a home, but a placeholder until I find my home.
I know God has a plan for me. Jeremiah 29:11 reassures me of this. I know the loneliness is temporary. I am in a chapter of my life where I am learning to embrace being alone. He is beginning to show me all of the reasons why I needed to move back to Pittsburgh after graduating college. Although my job situations haven’t been ideal, they have all been guiding me towards my next career path. He has shown me why I needed to lose the relationships I’ve lost. If I hadn’t have lost the previous relationship, I would have never been able to leave this place. Love had me so wrapped around someone else’s dreams that I never would’ve even been able to start planning mine. He is preparing me for the next journey I will embark on. The journey to where I find my niche, and I find my person and I find my dream job. The journey where I find where I fit. I know I’ll find my home soon.