Sometimes, I Can't.

In light of Mental Health Awareness Month (which, leave it to me to wait until the last few days of the month to write about it), I had planned on writing about how important it is to recognize mental health. When I started to write about it, it became a little bit too textbook. I thought, “Well, most people know it’s important, so why not share how it affects you?” I’ve shared numerous posts on what I’ve been through with my anxiety and depression. I’ve shared about how my abusive relationship has affected my mental health. I’ve shared plenty of my experiences with my anxiety and depression. What I realized is that I’ve never really touched upon why sometimes, I just can’t.

Everyone loves to be invited to do things. Whether it’s a group outing or a date or a vacation of some sort, the fact that you even got asked to participate in this particular event makes you feel worth something. Now, I’m sure everyone can think of at least one person that is notorious for canceling, and that really ticks you off. What you may not know is that person might be having trouble catching their breath from the panic attack they are currently experiencing. Maybe, they were hit with a wave of sadness, and need to be alone for the time being. Maybe, their anxiety is making them so uncomfortable, they need to relax and not be social. Maybe, sometimes they just can’t.

Every single one of the instances I mentioned have been reasons as to why I have cancelled on my friends or family or even coworkers. I can’t always control when my anxiety decides to push me to the ground. Somedays, it’s controllable. Other days, you’ll find me curled up in a ball surrounded by candles and my cat while I try to figure out why I am so uncomfortable. I know the people I have canceled on have said they understand and that it’s fine, but I also know that not every one of them do understand and I get it. Trust me, I know it was really rude of me to cancel on the date I’ve been planning for a few days because I feel so anxious my heart won’t stop racing. Believe me, I know it was awful of me to cancel dinner with my best friend because I needed to be alone. I promise you, the cancellations do not go without feeling like a complete ass, but sometimes, I seriously just can’t.

Why am I talking about how much I can’t? I believe it’s important for those of you who do not struggle with anxiety or depression to realize that I am not canceling because I genuinely do not want to hang out. In fact, most of the time, it’s quite the opposite. I absolutely want to spend as much time as I can getting to know someone new, or traveling around a city and trying new restaurants with friends, but my anxiety doesn’t always want that for me. I realize it’s a terrible thing to do…cancel plans last minute, but please know that I am not doing it to hurt you. I really need to regain my mental strength. You hear a lot about how people will take “mental health days” off from work and rightfully so! I am telling you that there are some days where you need to regroup with your mind and your body. Mental health not only affects you mentally, but physically. So, to all the people I’ve ever canceled on last minute, I am so sorry. I know that isn’t fair to you, but I am doing what I felt is best for me. If there is one piece of advice I can offer to those of you that still don’t really understand, it’s to be patient with us, with me. Please don’t stop inviting me. Anxiety is frustrating and confusing to the person who struggles with it and the people they are surrounded by, I get it, but please don’t give up on me. I promise I work everyday to tackle this struggle although you may not see it. I am thankful for those of you that have stuck around through the good, the bad and the ugly. Sometimes, I know I can’t, but I promise you, I am fighting this mental battle so that I can.