Better Off Now

Two years ago today, I made one of the hardest decisions I believe I’ve ever had to make. I walked away from a mentally abusive relationship. Why am I choosing to write about this? Within the last few years, we have seen plenty of women come forward sharing their stories with sexual harassment, abuse, assault. Although none of my relationship was physically abusive, I wanted to share the mental abuse I went through and why I chose to walk away.

I decided to date the boy I thought I had loved since 7th grade. I thought because we were “best friends” this relationship would be perfect. I never thought I would go through the mental abuse I went through. I never in a million years thought he would hurt me as much as he did. How could he? He told me how insanely in love with me he had been since the 7th grade. How there is absolutely no one else, but me that can bring him happiness. How no one else on this earth understood him the way I did. How he literally could not live without me. I fell into this deep emotional path that I thought I’d never come back from. I thought I would be sucked into this relationship, and this was the path I had chosen for my life. I truly believed I could not leave him because he had me so wrapped around his depression that if I left, he would leave this world because of me. That wasn’t a burden I was ready to bear. I didn’t want to leave this boy alone or else something so incredibly terrible could happen and it would be all my fault.

This boy was an alcoholic. He used alcohol to numb the pain of his depression. He would take his sadness and anger in life and lay it all on me. There was never a time that we hung out where alcohol was not involved. I became a person I didn’t recognize. I told my therapist how I wanted to leave, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t leave him alone. I couldn’t leave him in the depth of his sadness. I couldn’t be the one to hurt him that way. I sobbed for those 50 minute sessions trying to spew my thoughts and my pain. How could this boy that loved me so deeply twist my thoughts so much?

On Valentine’s Day, I bought us Pen’s tickets because he’s never been to a game. I thought it would be an incredibly sweet gift. We were having a good time up until the third period. Something in our conversation took a turn and brought him to a place of darkness. He didn’t talk to me for the remainder of the game and the drive home. We sat in his apartment parking lot for a good 10 minutes before he broke down into tears. I asked him what was wrong and he just sobbed. I thought I’d share how I was feeling about everything that has gone on thus far in the relationship. He didn’t like what I had to say, so he got out of the car, grabbed his stuff, slammed the door and left.

I never got a chance to share how I was feeling. If I had a bad day, he would turn it around to his even worse day. If I was feeling anxious, he was even more anxious. If I was happy about something, he would bring it back to his terrible life. I reminded him that he still had someone who loved him. He agreed and continued on about his crippling depression and agonizing anxiety. It was never about me, even though he loved me so much. Never in my 22 years of life had I felt so worn down and useless. I felt as if the world was crushing me, but I wanted so badly to help him. I gave him every last ounce of my energy until I eventually had none left to give. I clearly remember the day I sat in my therapist’s office still, so very still. She knew what I was going to say. Never in my life did I ever think I would say this. I told her I no longer wanted to live. That was the only way out of this. He had manipulated my mind so much that the only option for me was to leave this world.

This day two years ago, I got a call from him. He had gotten his tax refund check, and he was walking to the bank to deposit it. I had woken up feeling extremely anxious that morning, but I couldn’t even get a word out on the phone to tell him because he called me screaming. He had apparently dropped his $600 refund check somewhere between his Dad’s apartment and the bank. I had never heard him scream so loud before. I suggested retracing his steps. His response to that: “Do you think I’m a damn idiot? Of course I’m f*cking retracing my steps!” I hung up after that. I didn’t talk to him for the rest of that day. I went to my therapist and told her everything and said I can’t do this anymore what do I do? He texted me a sad excuse for an apology later that day. I waited a few more hours and said I can’t do this anymore. I didn’t even care that I was leaving him via text because my mind was set on freedom.

To this day, I haven’t heard from or seen anything from him. In that moment, I had never felt more alive. I had felt as if the world had been lifted off my shoulders. To those of you feeling like you can’t leave someone because of what they might do, I promise you can. I understand it’s hard. I understand it’s more than just making the decision, but actually taking action. Don’t be afraid to remember who you are. Remember that YOU deserve to be respected physically, mentally, emotionally. YOU have nothing to do with the other person’s pain. You cannot control nor are you responsible for their actions if you make the decision to leave. My biggest fear from all of that was losing him to his depression. He had me so twisted in the mind that it would be my fault if he didn’t make it. That is NOT fair to me at all, and I really had to continuously remind myself that is not on me. Don’t ever forget your worth. Everyone deserves to be loved with real, passionate, unconditional love.

You are worth it. You are enough. You are so very loved.