Dear Me
An open letter to my past, present and future self.
To my past self:
Hi sweet girl. I wish you could see me now. You made it through all those really tough times you thought you’d never make it through - your parents’ divorce, your sexual assault, your heartbreaks, your suicide attempt, those terrible jobs. You’ve made so much beautiful progress in loving yourself as a human being in this cruel world. I think you’d be really proud of how far you’ve come today. If I could, I would sit with you, hold you, and remind you that everything will work out. You WILL find real love. You WILL find a job where you are respected and valued. You WILL discover what you want to do in your life (you’re becoming a counselor!). I promise everything gets better. You will find your voice. You will have some really lovely people in your corner there to hold you and cheer you on. I know you’ve felt like you’ve had to do everything alone, and trust me, that is something you will still struggle with, but you’ll find your people. They’ll be your saving grace. If I could come back and remind you of one thing to constantly carry with you, it would be this: you are enough.
To my future self:
I have the highest of hopes for you. I can’t say too much because I am no predictor of the future, but I know you’re going to be amazing because you always have been and you always will be, even when you haven’t believed it. You won’t have life figured out because let’s be real, no one ever really figures this life thing out. But, I know there is a great journey in store for you. It won’t always be easy because again, that’s just life, but I know you’ll look back and realize why you did what you did to get where you are. You are going to be incredible, I can feel that. Oh and one reminder for you, future self: you are enough.
And finally, to my present self:
I saved you for last because there are so many words I want to say to you right now in this present moment. I’ll start by saying everything is ok. You’re doing that thing in your mind again where you go into fight or flight mode, and baby girl, you don’t need to do that. You are valued and loved and respected and cherished and beautiful (inside and out!). You have really, really good people in your corner that will listen when you share with them. You’re trying to handle so many thoughts alone when you don’t have to. In fact, you SHOULDN’T handle everything alone. You have a really sweet man that loves you and that will listen to your heart. I know you’re struggling to share how you feel because of past trauma and past relationships, but my love, he loves you and cares for you. He isn’t them (and praise the Lord for that). I know you’re trying your best to use your voice. I know it’s terrifying and communication is really hard for you, but you’re continuing to push yourself, and I see you.
You’re also fighting so hard to be this physical version of yourself that you previously were last year. Sweet girl, you are so so beautiful. Every single version of you. Stop punishing yourself at the gym and remember why you go there in the first place. You really LOVE to work out. It makes you feel strong and empowered. Remember there was a time where you could barely lift 5 lbs? Now, you’re deadlifting 110+ lbs! Girl, that is so badass! You are so so hard on yourself. It’s ok to eat the damn donut. It’s ok if you went up a size in jeans. Women’s clothing sizes are whack anyways. You. know. this. You advocate so hard for everyone else, why don’t you give yourself that same love? You don’t need to fit this ridiculous body image that you have swirling around in your head. Your body is so strong and so powerful and so tough and so so beautiful. There is so much more to life than obsessing over our body image my love.
I know I may sound like I’m coming off a little tough, but I want you know that you really are doing amazing. You made a major life move to a new city and started a new job in said city for a really great company all the while continuing to partake in grad school classes and keep an honors GPA. You keep fighting for yourself and your wants and your needs. You continue to have a loving, sweet heart towards others. Take some deep breaths, lovely girl. Everything in this moment is really good. You truly are doing well, please don’t forget that. Try not to be so damn hard on yourself. Take the pictures with your friends. Don’t worry about how you look, but how you feel in that moment. Be more present with others. Be more present with yourself in general. Remember to focus on yourself and find that love for you again.
And one last reminder to always, always take with you: you.are.enough.