2023.

Although 2023 has been a beautiful year of change and growth, I’d be remiss to not share the parts that don’t make it into the highlight reels of social media. I think it’s important to share the good, the really good, the bad and the really bad. As we all know, MOST of social media is a highlight reel of the moments throughout our year that we want to celebrate. There is absolutely nothing wrong with sharing and celebrating those moments in life. I, myself, have been careful to keep my social media light-hearted and sweet this year. Behind the scenes, I struggled with some really big emotions that I didn’t even know I was capable of feeling. My anxiety and depression swung around in full force.

Despite the unhealthiness of my decision, it was easier to keep my emotions bottled up away from the world instead of sharing my feelings with those around me who truly care about my well-being. This worked fairly well for me until it started to affect my every day life. I thought I was decent at compartmentalizing until I found myself on the floor of the bathroom at work on the phone with my mom having a panic attack. I could no longer separate the big emotions I was feeling outside of work. Everything mashed together to the point where I could no longer compartmentalize. This past summer and fall, I had struggled with terrifying panic attacks. I suffered silently several nights out of the week. I snuck away from bed, careful not to wake my partner, hid in the bathroom and tried to get a hold on my breathing. Linc, if you’re reading this, I’m so sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t share more with you. We’ve worked through so so much together, but sometimes, it was easier to seek solace in the dark bathroom and figure it out alone. Whether or not that’s actually considered “figuring it out” is a discussion for another time. I’ve learned that I was never given the tools to communicate such heavy feelings of loneliness and confusion, that it just came out in panic instead.

You’re probably wondering, “What the hell happened?” and to be honest, I think I am still working on the answer to that. I went through a several changes this year that I don’t think I truly took the time to process all of it until recently. I uprooted my life within the matter of a few days. I started a new job in a new area where I was unfamiliar with so much. I have to come to realize that this work environment gives a new definition to the word toxic. I no longer recognize the body I am living in due to the weight I’ve gained from not taking care of myself (physically and mentally). I’ve lived so much of my life this past year through the comparison of others. I’ve struggled with suicidal ideation - something I had thought I left far in the past. It’s hard to put into words the loneliness that comes with change.

Now, let me bring it around full circle because 2023 has also been a year of so much love and so much growth. This year, as a whole, has brought a huge sense of clarity that I believe I have been seeking for so many years. I can’t say I have all the answers to life. No one does, and I don’t believe that anyone ever will. Personally, I have done a really good job at losing myself within my relationship, my job, the comparisons I make to my friends and their lives that I have completely forgotten who I am. Who is Kaitlyn? What does she enjoy? What brings her a sense of purpose? Within the last month, I have made it my mission to sit with these questions and really focus on who I am. I have also found an incredible therapist who is working with me to learn the tools to better regulate and cope with the anxiety and depression that’s always lingered within my mind. I am so incredibly thankful to be living in a lovely home with my love, in a city I love surrounded by humans that I know, despite their own life challenges, take the time to remind me of my worth and importance in this world. I am slowly, but surely, working on ways to improve the quality of my life. I am learning to focus on the activities and hobbies that truly bring me joy. I am a human of substance outside of my relationship and outside of my job and outside of the people I surround myself with. Within the last month, I have experienced so much hope and joy moving towards the new year as well as my last few months in my 20s. I have witnessed so many beautiful moments in my friends’ lives this year that it brings me so much excitement for not only what’s to come for them, but what’s to come for me. Despite the really hard emotional moments and changes, this year has been an incredible year of growth.

To 2023 - Thank you for showing me that change is hard, but ultimately, so so good. Thank you for allowing me to find beauty in the ashes. Thank you for reminding me that time is not running out and that my time for certain joys will come. Thank you for surrounding me with those that have shown unending love even when I’ve felt unlovable. And most importantly, thank you for showing me that it’s ok to struggle, and that I will get through it.

LET’S BRING ON 2024 aka the one where she turns 30!!!