Growth Happens When You Allow It

Dear 2020,

Wow. What a year you have been. I know it’s not quite done yet, but at this point, what more could happen? *I ask this lightly as we all clearly don’t know what to expect anymore.* You started out pretty decent! We all had high hopes going into a new decade. New hopes, new dreams, new goals, etc. January and February weren’t too too terrible, but then came March. Oh, March, you really played us well. For the next few months, we’d be locked inside with low amounts of toilet paper, paper products and cleaning supplies. Hand Sanitizer would be ON SALE for $75 on Amazon. Video conference calls would become our main form of social interaction. Could any of us really have predicted any of this? Most would agree that this year has been what I call a shit-show.

Despite 2020 being an absolute eruption, I STILL prefer 2020 over any other year. I get it, this year has been chaotic and unpredictable and messy and strange, but on a personal level, this year has been nothing short of beautiful. I chose to focus on bettering myself and my mental health over focusing on all of the “stuff” going on around me. I told myself at the beginning of the year that I would do whatever it takes to put myself first. It has not been the easiest of journeys. I’ve lost and gained friendships. I’ve become fully financially independent. I’ve chosen to go back to school in 2021 because I finally feel I’ve found my calling. At times, I’ve taken a few steps backwards in my healing process, but at other times, I’ve moved a step forward. It’s been a whirlwind of personal growth. Covid has given me an excuse to slow down and appreciate life more than I ever have before.

I’ve learned to stand up for myself and my feelings because I matter. It can be hard for me to set aside how others feel in situations that are toxic because I want to validate everyone’s feelings, but there is a point in which I have to put my foot down and choose myself. Not only am I allowed to choose myself, but I am ALLOWED to feel OK about choosing myself. I have worked so hard to become a woman that I can finally be proud of. Do I still struggle with allowing my emotions to take over? Of course. Does this make me any less strong of a woman? Absolutely not. If anything, it makes me stronger. This year has been draining and emotional, but it has given me the space and the time to learn that I matter and that my opinion matters. I have a voice and I intend to continue to use it. I owe it to myself to fight for me because Lord knows no one else is going to do it. It’s been an incredibly hard learning curve jumping out of my comfort zone and saying no to the people, places and things that are not good for me, but I remember that I am doing what is BEST for me. It’s not selfish, it’s self-growth.

I am incredibly proud of how far I have come, and how HARD I have worked to build myself from the ground up in this year alone. I can say with full confidence that I LOVE the woman I am at this very moment in time. I love every inch and curve that God has blessed me with. I love the beautiful mind He has given me to think deeper than the surface level thoughts. I love that I have been pushed out of my comfort zone to do what’s right for my well-being. I’ve held space for my every feeling and my every thought whether good or bad. I’ve taken the time (in my own way) to forgive those who have hurt me. I’ve forgiven myself for situations from my past. I’ve realized that I can’t and won’t please everyone. I’ve become OK with not pleasing everyone. I’ve recognized my worth ten times over.

So 2020, before I say goodbye, I want to say thank you. Thank you for allowing me to grow in a way that I never thought I would despite the uncertainties. I am thankful to be alive and in good health. In a time in which we have no idea what may happen the next day, I am truly blessed by everything this year has shown me. Among the chaos and among the noise, thank you for teaching me that I matter and I am worth it.

Yours Truly,

Kait