Reflection

It’s been a hot minute since I have had the chance to sit down and just write. There are so many good things happening in my personal life right now that I am continuously thanking God for what He provides. These past few months, grad school has given me ample opportunities to reflect on my life and the experiences I have gone through. It’s incredibly interesting and empowering to look back, even a year ago, at the woman I was in comparison to the woman I am today. I’ve been doing an incredible amount of self-reflection. It’s interesting to me the things I found important not too long ago compared to the things I find important right at this very moment. I know the age of 27 isn’t some big monumental birthday, but something about this particular age has truly struck me in a way I was not expecting. There are a few key words I’ve chosen to really focus on this year: intentional, bold, free. As I reflect on my past, I take these words into consideration.

Free

I feel free from the demons that have haunted my thoughts for years and years. These demons haunt me with statements I know most of us can relate to, statements such as:

“I’m not good enough.”

“I’m not skinny enough.”

“I’ll never get that job.”

“I’ll never reach that goal.”

“I’ll never be able to afford this.”

“I’m not worth it because (insert individual here) didn’t love me.”

These are only a few of the words that would keep me up at night. I feel free from a lot of these debilitating statements, but it’s because I’ve put in the work. I have worked HARD to be where I am right now. When I look in the mirror, I no longer obsess over my weight. Instead, I praise my body. I thank her for continuously supporting me through this hard life. She has been through A LOT, physically and emotionally. She has upheld me all these years. She’s been beaten and bruised and knocked to the ground, but she continues to fight. I look in the mirror and I say to myself, “You are so beautiful”. I praise and thank God for the job He has provided to me. I am working towards paying off debt and slowly, but surely feeling more free from financial stressors. I never thought I’d have an employer who not only sees my worth and my skills, but encourages me and high fives me when I do something well. I can now say that I feel JOY each morning as I get ready to go into work. I feel freedom from my anxious thoughts. Although, I will always struggle with my anxiety, I no longer fear daily panic attacks that used to put me out of commission. I am trying to take life moment by moment and be content in the now. I feel free, and I feel happy.

Bold

This word can hold so much power. I started the year with this word in my mind in regard to my faith. I want to be bold in my faith. For so many years, I’ve struggled with my faith, and quite honestly, I still struggle. We live in a cruel and unforgiving world, and it can be hard to be bold. I want to be able to share my beliefs without the judging eyes I know too well. Listen y’all, I welcome and invite ALL beliefs, religions, spiritualities, ALL OF IT. I WANT to know more about the passions that others believe in. BUT, this does not mean that I, too, don’t want to share my love for God and His Word. I not only want to be bold in my faith, but I want to be bold in my life in general. I want to stand up for those who can’t stand. I want to speak for those that feel they do not have a voice. I want to not be afraid to speak my heart when it needs to be heard. I don’t want to worry about what others may think if I do something that I feel is good for me. I want to be bold in every aspect of my life.

Intentional

This is a big one for me. I want to be more intentional in my friendships, in my faith, in my work, etc. I no longer have the mental energy to worry about what a friend may think of me or my choices. My circle shrinks day by day, but the people within my circle are absolutely incredible. I can confidently say that each and every being encourages me and lifts me up. There is no room for those who tear each other down. There is no TOLERANCE for those who are going to be cruel to one another. We all believe different things. We all vote differently, speak differently, see differently, BUT we all love each other the same. I am also intentionally working on my faith everyday. I want to be intentional in my faith and show God’s grace however I can. I listen when He speaks and I follow where He leads me. Finally, I am being intentional in school. While I was in undergrad, I didn’t really take my academics seriously which in turn showed in my grades. I’ve made the decision to be in graduate school, so I intend to do as well as I can and to be easy on myself if there is something I fall short at.

I take these three valuable and powerful words to heart each and everyday as I continue to grow and learn about myself. I continue to remind myself that I am ALLOWED to love my faith, and I am ALLOWED to love my job. Most importantly, I am ALLOWED to love myself. Reflecting on the past few years has allowed me to see how much growth I have truly made. When I have those days of doubt, I am kind to myself and remind myself of how far I’ve come and will continue to go. I look back at the girl I was a few years ago: scared of the future, alone, lonely. I used the wrong outlets (alcohol, boys) to cope with my pain. It’s been an uphill climb, but I feel more content and joy than I’ve ever thought possible. I encourage you all to think of even just one word that you can apply to your life. Be intentional. Be bold. Search for emotional freedom.