Created with a Purpose
It took me awhile to decide if this was something I wanted to write about…my story and my journey with mental illness. Mental Illness. Some see it as such a scary word. The stigma around mental illness is slowly fading, but that’s exactly it: slowly. It’s hard to live in a world where half the people you talk to about your mental illness encourage you to speak out, but the other half scowl or cringe and act like it isn’t important. My dear friends, I am about to share why it is so SO important to continue to kick the stigma around mental illness and mental health.
I’ve shared numerous times on my struggles with anxiety and depression. I whole-heartedly believe that if my experiences and my words can reach even just one person, I have done my job in spreading awareness. This post is a little different from other posts I’ve shared on my struggles. What I am about to share is something so personal and so vulnerable that even as I type this I am wondering if this is the right thing to do. For the longest time, I was ashamed of my anxiety. I couldn’t understand why I was burdened with such pain and confusion. Why would I have constant panic attacks every few hours of my day? Why would I obsess over the littlest of subjects? Why was I constantly looking for reassurance from my boyfriend at the time that he loved me? And all of those questions…that’s just the anxiety side. As for my depression, well, we’ll get there.
If you’ve read my previous blogs, you know that I had lost someone who I thought was going to be my forever. A few months later, my previous job (which I am thankfully no longer at) had cut my full-time position to part-time. It had felt as if I couldn’t catch a break. One bad occurrence after the other followed. I felt confused, alone, used, useless, worthless and on and on. I would try to go out with friends or go on dates to cure the loneliness, but what I didn’t realize at the time was that I was using these people or copious amounts of alcohol to hide any sort of feeling that would remind me of the aforementioned words. I kept thinking there was some sort of timeline of where the pain was just going to disappear and I would magically feel better. I’ll find a job where I’m actually valued…right? There’s a man out there that has to love me, anxiety, depression and all….right? Things had to get better….right?
June 1, 2019. I’ve always been good at remembering dates. This is one I will never forget. It was a beautiful, summer Saturday. I had spent the day running errands because I am blessed enough to have the weekends off. A friend of mine texted me and invited me out. I figured, “Sure, why not? It’s a beautiful night to go out and hang with friends!” I met up with her and others and had a few drinks before leaving for the bars. At this point, things start to get blurry. I don’t remember much other than drinking a lot of Long Islands and wanting to go home to my cat. My friends called me an Uber, and I made it back safely to my apartment. The sad part of all of this is I wasn’t really safe. Cue my depression. The demons in my mind had really come out to play. I called my sister and told her how earlier in the week I googled to see if you could die from taking too much Advil. Instant tears from both of us. Through my drunken slurs and hyperventilating, I tried to explain to her the pain and loneliness I’d been feeling. I then hung up and called my dad explaining the same thing. After we had hung up, I thought there was nothing left for me. I really truly believed that I was the loneliest human on earth. On June 1, 2019, I tried to take my own life.
There are going to be a lot of people that I care about who see this. I want you all to know that I am not sharing this to scare you nor am I sharing this asking for pity. I share this for the hundreds of others who have been in my shoes. I share this for those who unfortunately succeeded in taking their lives and who I couldn’t help. I share my story because we do not know what inner demons people are battling each and every day. There could be someone who we see as the happiest, friendliest human on the outside, but we have NO idea what’s going on in their minds. We NEED to continue to share our stories about mental health. We NEED to encourage those who feel there is nothing left because let me tell you my sweet friends, THERE IS! I absolutely promise you that we were all created with a purpose. The amount of articles I have read lately about others taking their lives because we were too careless to ask how they were doing is too too many.
That night was a real wake up call for me. I have been working SO hard to improve every little thing about me. A few weeks after my attempt at leaving this world, things slowly started to look up. I was offered full-time at my current job that I absolutely love. I’ve recently started a completely new workout plan and healthy lifestyle. I am trying to grow stronger in my faith and relationship with God. I am focusing on the things that bring me pure joy in this life. I can say with true and utter honesty that I have never felt as mentally and physically strong as I do at this very moment. Every day is a new chance to grow. My strength is what pushed me to share my story.
To those of you that feel there is no other way and that there isn’t anyone who sees your hurt and your pain, I do. I see you. I see what you’re feeling. I feel your pain and I want you to know that you belong here. You have been created with a purpose. It may not feel like it right now. You may have been battling these feelings for years, but I can assure you, there is a beautiful life awaiting you. Please don’t give up. Please keep pushing through this season of life because there IS a light at the end of the tunnel. You were created with a purpose.
I was created with a purpose.