I Choose Joy, Do You?

I rewrote this post at least seven different times about seven different topics within the last week. At the beginning of last week, I was writing from a place of anger. So many things in the past few weeks have made me angry, so I figured why not write about it. As I continued to write, I realized that this is not the person I want to be nor do I want to show others. In a world full of anger and pain, I want to be a light to those in darkness. I didn’t come to this mindset until after a visit to my therapist on Thursday. Honestly, don’t knock talk therapy until you try it. It truly does wonders for me. I love being able to talk through all the thoughts in my mind and ramble while my therapist sits and listens and offers incredible advice on how to improve myself. After my most recent visit with her, I felt my mind was renewed.

I’ll be honest, I do not believe the year of 2019 has been my year. Since the start, this year has been filled with ups and downs and all arounds. I realize that’s usually what every year brings, but this year, in particular, has felt like a continuous losing game. No matter how hard I try (and believe me, I’ve been trying harder than anyone can see), there’s always something in the way. My depression, in particular, has been all over the scale, especially this summer. One moment, I’m feeling incredibly hopeful for the life I am creating for myself, then the next moment, I am sailing up a river without a paddle. Loneliness has checked in for a long term stay, and it doesn’t seem to be checking out any time soon. I know there has to be more to life than this.

The last few months have taught me a lot about life and what’s important and what’s not. Hell, the last week I’ve been doing some serious soul searching and discovering what I really want out of life. I’m starting to realize that life is way too short to be angry. It’s too short to care about what others think about you, and it is definitely too short to not stand up for yourself and your beliefs. For most of my life, I have been terrified to stand up for myself. I’ve found it easiest to immediately apologize regardless of whether I have a reason to or not. I’ve hidden my faith to those who don’t believe for fear of making them uncomfortable or for fear of being made fun of. I have let previous managers walk all over me, coworkers walk all over me and worst of all, my friends. Why are they your friends if you let them push you around? Well, you can’t change other’s actions, but you can change your own. When you begin to show confidence in yourself, other’s will either encourage you or walk away. I can only believe that if I stick up for myself and stick up for what I believe in, than those that matter will encourage my choices to better myself. I’ve come to a point in my life where I want relationships that flourish and reciprocate the effort that I put into them.

If you feel like there is something or someone in your life that is not uplifting the incredible person God created you to be, then it’s more than ok to walk away. I believe you are never too old or too young to fight for what you want. If your job is defeating you, start looking elsewhere. If you are continuing to feed into an unhealthy relationship, constantly putting forth more effort than you should (friend, family member, partner, etc.), it’s ok to make the decision to walk away for your well-being. If your depression is eating you alive and you don’t believe there is any other option than to leave this world, please hear me, there is so much more for you! Trust God’s plan. These are only chapters in your story, they are not the whole book or the end all be all. Life is so short and so valuable and time is so precious. Why should we waste it being angry at the people, places and things that just don’t matter? From this point forward, I am choosing to live a life full of joy. You can try to discourage me and knock me down, but I will no longer let it affect me. I shouldn’t even have to ask this, but WHY are we so discouraging and judgmental? Let people be! If something brings them happiness, let them be happy! By the grace of God, I’ve finally started to get a taste of what true happiness feels like and it is not a feeling I ever want to let go of. I’ll be damned if I let anyone or anything take that from me. Believe in what brings you joy. Believe in yourself and what you have to offer. Believe in what God has planned for you. Don’t let a job or a person or anything in this world take away the happiness you have created for yourself. I’m choosing joy, are you?