It's OK - Revision

One of the first posts I wrote when I first started this blog a few years ago was titled “It’s OK”. At the time, I was in a place where I wasn’t happy with multiple areas of my life. I had just gone through a breakup. My job wasn’t great. I was lonely and tired of the pain. I tried to hide everything I was feeling deep inside of me without allowing myself to truly feel my feelings. I walked around bright-eyed with a smile on my face in public to make sure no one knew I was aching on the inside. The whole point of that original post was to validate being not ok. It’s ok to not be ok. I wanted to write a revision to the original in terms of where I am in my life right now.

I am a silent struggler. I’m not sure if this is technically a coined title or description, but as of today, it is for me. Most of my life, I’ve struggled with with sharing my pain or sharing my current struggles with others until they become too much and eventually overflow. I’ve been working really hard to open up to those who care about me and to those that are close to me, but there’s always that fear of rejection that constantly creeps in. I don’t know what it is about rejection that is so terrifying, but it has a hold over me like nothing else in this world. I don’t know if it’s the empath in me or some other hidden fear I have yet to figure out, but I would much rather sit down and listen to someone else’s story or struggles than share my own. When I mention that I am terrified of rejection in terms of sharing my day to day struggles, here’s what I mean: I share my struggles, but I don’t receive the validation I am looking for. My pain then becomes “less than”. This can look anything like: “I’m sorry you are anxious today, how about you just try to calm down?” or “I’m sorry you’re feeling sad, but at least you have x,y,z!”. I share how I’m feeling, but it gets brushed over. It’s “easier” (for lack of a better term) for me to bottle everything inside and silently struggle instead of risking that rejection.

I am very content and blessed to be at the place I am in right now. I have worked very hard, physically and emotionally, to reach this point. Does this mean I don’t have low points? No. Does this mean I can give up on all the hard work I’ve put in on myself and my mental health? Absolutely not. Does this mean I am required to feel happy at all hours of the day? Of course not…but I’d be lying If I said I haven’t felt this pressure lately. Where does the pressure come from you ask? 100% myself. I have been putting so much pressure on myself to be thankful for this place I am in and to be happy and feel blessed, which I absolutely am incredibly thankful, please don’t get me wrong. But, I have also not allowed myself to feel sad when I need to feel sad. I haven’t allowed myself to feel anxious when I feel anxious. Although these may sound like good things, they really aren’t. When you don’t allow yourself to feel every feeling that your body is trying to give off, you just continue to push it deeper into the crevices of your soul which is no good for anyone. I write about all of this because I think we all need reminded, especially as we continue to navigate living life through a global pandemic, that IT IS OK TO NOT BE OK. Just because I have been doing well and I have been feeling perfectly content, does not mean that I am not going to have a bad day or week or hell, maybe even a bad month. My anxiety didn’t magically go away. I’m not magically cured of my depression. There are still multiple areas, that others don’t see, that I am constantly working on.

If you’re anything like me and you’re a silent struggler, I would love to share some wisdom. First of all, remember our key theme: it is ok to not be ok. Don’t let societal pressures or pressures from your own mind tell you that you have to 100% on 100% of the time because you don’t. Second of all, your friends/your people in your circle are not your enemies. REACH OUT TO THEM. Trust me y’all, I get it. It can be really hard to share what you’re going through. You want to be strong. You want to be the brave one and allow others to lean on you, but hear me out: YOU ARE NOT WEAK FOR SHARING YOUR PAIN. This is what your friends are for, and I KNOW I sound like a total hypocrite, but I am working on this as well. From a friend’s perspective, it’s frustrating to them to feel like all they do is share their pain, but you only share yours when it becomes too much to handle. Please hear me out: your friends are your friends for a reason. They love you. They care for you. They want to celebrate your ups and hold you when you’re down. I realize I am saying most of this for myself because I absolutely know I need to get better at this, but hear me when I say I am working on it, and I am trying as well as I know a lot of you out there are, too. Finally, and please don’t look over this one, you are loved. No matter how hard life is right now or maybe how content you may be, you are absolutely loved. You are worthy. You are enough. Sharing your pain and being vulnerable is really tough, but no matter how the other person responds to your pain or your vulnerability, you are still loved so fiercely. Your value and your worth is found in God, not anyone else, not a job, not a house, not a car, not any earthly thing. Your value does not deteriorate based upon any rejection you may encounter. You have been fearfully and wonderfully made and that, my friends, is so beautiful. When you start to have feelings that you aren’t ok, let them happen. Remember to lean on those that love you and cherish you because that’s why God has placed these individuals in your life. You don’t have to be the strong one 100% of the time (and again, this is something I am working on as well). You are allowed to to feel your feels. We’re human, that’s what we’re supposed to do.

You are worthy. You are loved. You are enough.