The Right Kind of Love

The topic of love has constantly come up in conversation as of late. Whether it’s with coworkers, friends, or truth be told, complete strangers, love doesn’t seem to be a dead end topic. There’s so many different routes you can take. Have you ever been in love? What is love to you? Why am I not finding the love I seek? Why doesn’t the person I’m in love with love me back? So many questions surround the topic with so many open ended answers. I’ve been thinking about what real, true, unconditional love means to me. I’m not sure I’ve come up with a steady answer, but I can shine a little light on where my heart is at currently.

I know I have been in love. I know what love feels like. I know what it looks like. I know how bad it hurts when you lose it. I’ve wanted to write about love for awhile, but my heart hasn’t been ready to open that wound. The movies show us this picturesque version of relationships where everything is great then one partner screws up then said partner goes forth with a grandiose romantic gesture to win their partner back and BAM everything is back to normal and they lived happily ever after. Well honey let me tell you, that ain’t it….at least not from my personal experience.

I’m not afraid to say that love is a bitch. I don’t mean you cry for a little bit, drink some wine and you feel good as new. Don’t get me wrong, that definitely helps, but that’s not what I’m talking about here. Love has completely destroyed me. Love has torn my heart right out of my chest, thrown it on the ground and shattered it into a million microscopic little pieces. It’s kept me up at night wondering where love went wrong. Love has told me I’m not good enough to be loved by another person. Love has let me know that I’m not worth the effort.

Now, let’s stop for a moment and reword a few of those sentences with a word other than love. I told myself I’m not good enough to be loved by another person. I told myself I wasn’t worth the effort. I asked myself where I went wrong. That sounds more like it. None of those statements are true. A year ago, I would’ve 110% said they are, but today, I know in my heart that those are incredibly false. I KNOW I am good enough to be loved by another person. I KNOW I am worth the effort. I know how beautiful the potential of being in love can be, but I just haven’t found the right kind of love yet. Just because I’ve had a few bad runs with it does not make me unlovable. In fact, everything thus far in every relationship (romantic and non-romantic) I have been in has only shown me what I truly deserve. I know love is out there for me, but for now, I am enjoying loving myself.