Unanswered Questions
Why is it that we want the things in life that are no good for us? Why do we have such a hard time cutting people off? Why do we keep running back to the things we know are not going to do anything for us? I wish more than anything I had the answers to these questions. I’ve been struggling a lot lately with trying to figure out the answers. I know what I deserve. I know I deserve so much better than what I allow myself, so why do I keep running in the same circle? What is it that’s keeping me from cutting that last string that I need to cut? Is it fear of losing something? If so, what am I actually losing if I deserve better? Is it fear of what’s coming next? Why am I so focused on the future? Why can’t I sit down and enjoy the present?
I believe as humans we’ve been trained to constantly keep moving forward for that next step in life. You are doing really well at your job, so it’s time to strive for that promotion. You just got married, so it’s time to start planning for kids. You just got out of long relationship, so you try to figure out what’s next. What’s the next big step in life? I am no stranger to this thought process. Right now, I am trying to figure out what the hell is going on, but the real question is why? Is it so bad to just slow down for a minute and focus on myself? Absolutely not, so why am I so scared of letting something go that is not benefiting me in any way? Why the hell do I keep running in this never ending circle that’s just going to keep causing me the same pain? One minute, I feel like I’m doing so well and then, before you know it, I am right back where I started. I recently read an article called “The 5 Reasons Letting Go Is So Hard” and there were two that really stuck out to me.
You still see it the way you imagine it, not the way it is.
This couldn’t be more accurate. Some days, it feels like a bad dream. None of this is real. Everything is going to go back to the way it was just give it time. You had your whole future planned, so that’s not actually gone. When in reality, I’m just lying to myself. This is real. This is life.
2. You are gripping tighter because you know it’s over.
This point really hit hard. WHY am I gripping so tight onto something that is done? Why am I making it so hard for myself to move onto the next chapter of my life? The mind has been made up, so why do I seem to think I can change that? Why would I want to change someone’s mind and ruin their happiness?
I am trying to figure out how to be alone. I am trying to focus on myself, but it’s lot harder than you would think. I didn’t think this healing process would be taking as long it is, but I need to remind myself that it’s ok to take my time. I don’t have to have the world figured out. If someone thinks I am taking too long to get over something, then that is their personal opinion. I am allowed to take as long as I want to figure things out, as well as you are with whatever you may be going through. Truth be told, I really don’t know why I keep holding on to what’s not good for me, but I have to be the one to decide to cut everything off. I have to be the one that decides to put myself first. No matter how many times friends or family say, “Kait, you deserve so much better, just let it go”, I have to make that decision on my own time.
Each day it gets a little easier, and each day I am learning my worth a little more than the previous day. I know what I deserve. I know what I am worth, but I am still human. I still make mistakes, but that’s what the healing process is all about. I am learning to grow through my mistakes. Each day I get a little stronger, a little more sure everything is going to be just fine, but this is a process I have to make the shots on. I will get there, but in my own time.